Effective Communication: The Key to Getting What you Need
Learn how to advocate for yourself in an effective way
Effective communication: something that sounds easy in theory, but has proven to be pretty hard to actually do. Why? Because most of us have never learned to communicate effectively. And for some reason, as humans, we don’t expect each other to be direct and to the point. Because we’re immediately dismissed as rude or worse. But we are going to learn how to communicate effectively to get the life we deserve.
Have you ever just flat out asked for whatever you wanted?
If you are someone who identifies as a woman or who was raised as such, you might have never heard of effective communication. That is because we never learn how to ask for what we want.
Wild right?
I could get into the whole subject of sexism, but that would make this post really, really long (longer than it already is). So, I’m not going to do that.
But what it comes down to is that when we were younger, we knew exactly what we needed, what we wanted and how to ask for it. Growing older, we learnt that we were needy, bossy and just plain unpleasant to be around when we clearly communicated our needs.
So what did we do?
We started to play games. We started to beat around the bush, endlessly talking about something without ever getting to the point.
And while we were busy trying not to be annoying, the people around us called us dumb, boring or too chatty (it’s almost as if we could never do anything right…).
But now, I decide that effective communication is making a come-back. We will no longer be afraid to ask for the things we need. To ask for the things we want. After this, we will never again have to wait for others to hand us stuff. Because we will be able to clearly state whatever it is we crave without having to jump through endless hoops, only to remain emotionally dissatisfied.
Today we are going to learn how to effectively communicate.
Short summary for quick readers
- Effective communication helps you get your needs met. It is a quick way to voice concerns and tell someone how you're feeling without things getting lost in translation.
- Don't be scared that you'll 'scare' people away. If they can be scared away by you voicing your needs, then they weren't right for you.
- In order to communicate effectively, you have to be brave: be courageous and say what you feel. Stop worrying about being 'clingy' or 'needy'. You'll either get acceptance or rejection and they're both important pieces of information.
- In order to communicate your needs, you have to know your needs. Discuss what you want and why and look for alternatives that work for the both of you.
- Be specific in your communication: no more guessing and 'mind reading'. If you tell them exactly what you need, the chances of getting it are higher.
- Be assertive and unapologetic. Their needs aren't more important than yours and you shouldn't walk on egg shells to keep them comfortable. You deserve to have your needs met (within reason).
- Not everyone is ready to communicate like this and some people manipulate in order to get what they need. Actions speak louder than words and you should trust your gut.
- You voicing your needs doesn't mean the other person always has to comply. Consider the value of the need you asked for and whether or not it's a dealbreaker for you if they can't give that to you. That, again, is valubale information.
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there are two sides to every story
Effective communication is about both sender and receiver; it is about understanding as well as being understood.
If you talk to somebody, it is not just you taking part in that conversation. Both are present and both are sending and receiving at the same time. That is what communication is; you exchange verbal and non-verbal messages.
But right now, I am just going to talk about sending out a clear and effective message. Just because tackling both would be a lot to take on in one blog. I might still write about the other some time but I feel like being a clear and straightforward sender is something that people struggle with a lot more.
And it can be so helpful in all your relationships to actually say what you mean. Instead of playing charades with your conversational partner.
So for now, we’re going to learn how to send a message with the purpose of it being understood right away.
No miscommunications, guessing games and easing in. We’re going to rip the band-aid right off.
Why you need effective communication
Maybe you have never really thought about this.
Maybe you think that the way you’ve been communicating is ‘just how people talk’. And you are kind of right. Because a lot of people have never learned how to communicate effectively; we all use the same communication techniques to never really get exactly what we want.
If you have been in relationships where you or your partner aren’t communicating clearly, you have probably spent a lot of time either confused or thinking about ways to get what you want.
I used to be like that. Sometimes still am.
We think of all these intricate plans and schemes to get something done. Whenever you want the person you’re dating to ask you to stay for dinner, you drop very “subtle” hints that would help them understand that you want to stay.
If only there was a way to just tell them what you want…
Think of all the time you’d save if you just said it instead of plotting and planning. And not just that. Think of what your relationships would look like if you stopped making your needs into an impossible-to-complete scavenger hunt.
The perfect picture
If you would be able to tell your partner exactly what you need, they might actually give it to you.
Again: wild right? That is what effective communication can do for you.
Believe me, I didn’t know this either. I thought you had to play games because if I told people exactly what I wanted, it would make me a very needy girlfriend. Or sister. Or child. And nobody wants to be needy. Especially when you’ve been trying so hard to be an independent feminist.
So instead of asking if I could spend the night at my date’s house, I would say things like: “I’m really dreading the long bus ride home… It is so cold outside and it’s nice and warm in here.” I would even bring some overnight stuff just in case my plan would work.
Imagine what would have happened if I just said that I would actually like to spend the night. If I asked him before leaving the house for our date. If I had just said: ‘Is it okay if I sleep at your place tonight?’ It’s as simple as that. No fluff. Just the exact same thing that you have been thinking about for hours prior. In my perfect world, he would say yes.
And that means that I get what I need by simply asking for it.
It can really be as easy as walking up to the counter in a restaurant and ordering the burger that you’ve been craving. And it is all because we simply asked the question.
I hate it when people say they want their partner to know exactly what they need just by looking at them. As if your needs are written in the question marks on your face. As if they would even notice everything that is going on in your mind by looking at the mask that’s covering it.
Can effective communication turn on you?
Some people might feel anxious about the fact that the previous question could just as easily have been answered with a ‘no’. Rejection is scary and it is usually what keeps us from communicating effectively. Because we don’t want to be labeled as something we don’t want to be (needy, greedy, possessive, you name it). But we also don’t want to have our needs be rejected.
It can make you feel like effective communication is something to be feared. Because if you directly ask for something, the answer might as well be dismissal.
But I believe effective communication can not turn on you.
Let me illustrate this with another example. One that shows that effective communication always helps you in some way. Whether it is by getting you exactly what you want or by harsh rejection and losing something that you thought you needed.
A story about dating
When I was still dating and desperately scouring the dating apps for some kind of genuine connection, I vowed to communicate my needs right away. We probably all have tried to be more appealing by saying we just wanted to ‘see where things go’, even when you knew full well that you actually wanted a relationship at some point. And unfortunately, the dating pool is full of people who want to ‘see where things go’ only to disappear again after ‘things’ went into the bedroom.
So I decided to be clear from the get-go: I didn’t want to sleep with anyone. I wanted a meaningful connection that might eventually lead to something more.
As someone who struggles with anxiety a lot, rejection is the worst thing that can happen to me. Even when it comes from people I barely know. I just need to be liked by everyone and no one has to think badly of me. So to me, this was scary as hell.
And when it all only lead to ghosting, I thought that effective communication might be turning on me.
But do you realize how much time and energy I would have wasted on people that were never right for me if I didn’t communicate my needs right away? If I never told these men explicitly that I wouldn’t hook up with them right away, I would have gone on dates and invested my emotional energy in these people only to come out hurt and broken.
When I communicated clearly what I was looking for, I separated the ‘good’ from the ‘bad’. And even though there wasn’t a whole lot of ‘good’ left, at least I did not let the ‘bad’ take advantage of me.
And that is why effective communication can never turn on you. If someone is not willing to meet your needs when you tell them exactly what they are, then they might not be the right person for you.
And that is a hard but necessary truth to learn.
HOW DO WE COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY?
By now, it would be nice to get some clear pointers on how we can learn how to communicate effectively. And that is exactly what I am going to give you. This will not automatically make you a good communicator. Like with all the subjects we discuss, there is no quick fix.
You will still have to do the work and that will require you to step out of your comfort zone. That is why the first step is…
you have to Be brave
You need a lot of courage to say what you need and feel. Because you have been struggling with some need to be perfect or liked. You were taught not te be a burden and with that, to keep your mouth shut.
Because no one likes a person who is “needy” or “clingy”.
But if you want to learn how to communicate effectively, you need to have the courage to say what you’re thinking, to talk about the things you need. And the only way to do that, is to just do it.
Really. I have no other advice for you than this.
Take a deep breath and just do it once. You’ll notice that it gets easier once you try it. Especially if you remind yourself of the fact that the people who shut you down after you’ve told them about your feelings, are not worth your time. So, you really can’t lose.
Either you get what you want or you retrieve a new important piece of information about your partner. And both are worth the trouble and effort of challenging yourself to do something terrifying.
what are your needs?
In order to communicate effectively, you need to be aware of what it is you want.
And why you want it.
Because in order for someone to give you what you need, they will have to understand the context and why it is important to you. If you just tell them that you need them to answer the phone when you call, you’ll just come across as bossy and controlling. But if you explain that you need this in order to feel save, you can actually discuss your needs.
Even if they don’t want to pick up the phone all the time (simply because they don’t have the time to talk to you 24/7), at least you can talk about other options that will fulfill your needs. Like how they’ll call you back as soon as they get the chance.
So think about the things you need and why you need them. That is the only way you’ll be able to communicate effectively.
Because how are you going to tell someone about your needs if you don’t even know why you need something from them?
If you have a hard time figuring out what you want, then journal about it. Or spend some time meditating about it. If you need some pointers about meditation, you can find some right here.
Effective communication is specific
As soon as you understand your own needs, you can clearly communicate them to your partner. And you have to be specific about your needs. Because we are done playing games and making them guess.
You need to tell them exactly what you need and why you need it.
Don’t expect them to ‘read your mind’.
Movies and tv-shows want us to believe that the people who love us know what we need at all times. But do you know what your partner needs at all times? And even if you do, wouldn’t it be nice to actually hear from them when it comes to the things they want and need? Without having to guess what it is they’re thinking?
To me that sounds like the perfect world. How tiring to always have to play games to finally understand what the other person isn’t saying.
So specifically state what you need.
If you need them to be more open about where to go when they ‘go out’ with their friends, or if you want them to be honest about the future (if there is one between you), then ask them exactly that. Don’t be vague, don’t chicken out and say something that might sound like the point but that doesn’t even come close to what you were trying to say.
We are always trying to be nice, friendly, palatable; never invasive or rude. But if someone decided they want to be a part of your life, and that they want to be with you, then they are going to have to be okay with you voicing your demands.
So be specific and be clear. Otherwise you’ll end up with an answer that just leaves you confused and desperate for more.
Be assertive and unapologetic
This is about you. Even though you are communicating with someone else, this is still about you. And what you want and need is just as valid as their wants and needs.
That means that if you have been walking on egg shells because you’re scared to hurt them, then think of what this approach is doing to you.
Aren’t you the one who is hurting right now, by only being a small part of this relationship instead of being a full, participating member?
You’re not in the relationship for their pleasure. You are not there to just please your partner like some humble servant. You are just as valid a member in the relationship as they are. And that means that your needs and whatever you want, are just as important as what they want and need.
So you have to love and appreciate yourself enough to actually want that for yourself. To allow yourself to have a relationship that is committed and that is valuable for the both of you. And the only way to do that, is if you both get what you want and need.
Be unapologetic and assertive.
Believe that you are worthy of having your needs met and make it happen. And if they can not help you with your needs then you have to allow yourself to get out of that relationship. To choose something better for yourself. Because there are people out there who actually want you to be happy. Who want you to be safe and satisfied.
Allow yourself to find that. And the only way you can do that is by letting other people know that you are a complete human being with wants and needs.
To scream from the top of your longs that it is your turn now.
EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION = HEALTHY COMMUNICATION
Just a little disclaimer: like I said, this blog is written from the sender’s perspective. It does not take into account that some people are very poor receivers. And that the person you’re communicating with might be bad at sending a clear message too.
Some people play games with you, even when you clearly communicate what you need.
It is hard to know whether or not someone is being genuine in their communication. In that case, actions usually speak louder than words. If someone says they can provide you with whatever you say you need, but then never follow up on that promise, you might want to re-evaluate that relationship.
Also: just because you have voiced your needs, it doesn’t mean that people always have to comply. And if they don’t, it is not always a good reason to end a relationship. Like when I wanted to spend the night with my date and he said ‘no’. Not going on another date might have been an overreaction on my part.
It is always important to consider the value of your needs and the boundaries you set (if you want to read up on setting boundaries, you can do that right here). Because some things can be asked but don’t have to be given. And you need to decide whether that is a problem or not.
If you want your partner to commit to something that they are not at all comfortable with, ask yourself whether it is really that important. Will you be able to be happy and healthy in this relationship if they don’t participate in that particular thing? If the answer is yes, then find a way to make the relationship work without it.
If the answer is no, then effective communication has helped you uncover a truth that you weren’t completely ready to face yet.
